7.24.2011

bruised.



allow me to set the stage...

costco.
me + all three kids.
two shopping carts.
one contains tiny and that's about it.
the other is packed with all the goodness costco has to offer;
a super-compact package of approximately 96 rolls of toilet paper,
a new garbage can {because someone broke the lid to the old one},
an ever so dainty fourteen-pound block of cheese and
a case or two of diapers for good measure.

i thought we had everything we came for and was fairly pleased with how things had gone.
until sydney remembered the one thing she had to have.
a watermelon.

okay.
she's been quite helpful, pushing the first shopping cart around as best she can
despite not really being able to see over the handle.
she caught me in a good mood and i agreed to grant her request.
so, we turn our brigade around and head back toward the produce section.

i promptly spot a middle aged man inspecting the cavernous den where the watermelons were residing, 
and then watched him walk away.
i really should have taken a cue from that man,
but i didn't.

i make the decision to step up onto the elevated crate upon which 
the hot tub-sized den of watermelons was resting and peek inside.
it's at least four feet deep and there are only five watermelons left.
also, i should add that these are not your run of the mill, normal-sized watermelons.
them's costco watermelons.

i lean over into the den to make an attempt at hoisting one out.
i can almost reach one with the very tippy tops of my fingers...
if i just lean in a teeeny bit more...
that's it...
come to mama...
gotcha!
i barely manage to roll one of the giant beasts to the edge of the den without teetering over the edge.
but now i have another problem...
how on earth am i going to summon the super-human strength to lift this bad boy out?

once more, i nearly throw my self over the edge in order to get low enough 
to get a good grip on it with both hands.
one foot comes off the crate i'm standing on, and the second one is starting to slip.
okay, hold it.
this is not working.
time to regroup and really focus on the task at hand.
deep breath.
and exhale......
there.

second attempt.
you're mine, sucka.
i've got it good this time, i'm making progress...
i have it up and over the edge. 
holy crap, this thing is heavy.
must get it into the cart quickly before i lose my grip.
i got this.
i don't hit the gym for power pump at 6am for nothin'...
i go to step back down off the crate and that's when it happens.

mitchell, who is known to sneak up behind us,
is right in back of me.
the momentum of me stepping down with a mammoth watermelon in tow 
is just too much to contend with.

it seemed as if every thing slowed down, matrix-style.
i feel the weight of my body against his and it sends him flying to the ground.
and now my feet have nowhere to land...
i tried to brace myself,
but i'm holding a freaking watermelon.

so there i went.
off the edge of the crate,
flat on my butt.
the force of the impact was so intense it actually knocked a little bit of snot out of my nose.
but that was the least of my worries.

when i smacked the concrete, the watermelon launched out of my hands and 
landed on the ground with a loud smack.
i turn just in time to watch it break in two.
sticky watermelon juice splatters the gathering crowd of onlookers.

i'm in shock.
did that really just happen?

and then i hear mitchell start to wail,
and a woman asks me if i'm alright.

no! {i'm thinking}

i am mortified!

and slightly injured.

i scramble to my feet and pick up mitchell,
assuring the woman we're all fine.

i'm trying to assess the damage but at the same time,
wanting the floor to just open up and swallow me.

how embarrassing.

are you serious?

i just launched, backwards, off a costco produce crate with a fifty pound watermelon in my arms.
and now it and my three year old child are lying broken on the ground.

certainly didn't see that coming when i made the fateful decision to run some errands that day.

i try to play it cool and shake it off.
i seriously can't get out of there fast enough.

how many people saw it happen?
did i know any of them?
are there security cameras?
if so, do they have a privacy policy in place that will prevent that footage 
from ending up on youtube?

my face is hot.

i pick up the two pieces of my sad little watermelon and put them both onto the bottom of my cart 
and make my way up to the check stands, leaving a sticky trail of juice the entire way.
the checker keeps insisting he go and get another melon for me.
i refuse.

i don't want to wait and face more humiliation and strange looks from the people who are staring at the two, dripping watermelon halves on the bottom rack of my cart.
just charge me for the stupid thing so i can end this nightmare already.

and there you have it.
my "new" most embarrassing moment.
...

what's yours?
...

9 comments:

Diane N. said...

I'm so sorry... but laughing hysterically! Glad you're OK.
p.s. Was the watermelon good? :)

Julie said...

Oh Jill, I'm laughing and crying at the same time. You are so brave to even go to costco with all three kids!

Jennifer said...

Jill, you are such a fantastic story teller!! Laughter and shock ... what an incredible, horrifyingly embarrassing story!!! Honestly it's such a relief to hear these kinds of stories from amazing women like yourself who I always think have such grace and manage everything so beautifully. It makes me feel like I'm not such a klutzy dope and that we all do really have embarrassing moments -- and some of them VERY PUBLIC! hehehehe!!

lynette said...

you poor thing! OUCH! is your tailbone bruised?

i think i have a new embarrassing swimsuit moment...

while we were in hawaii, the first day we spent entirely at the beach. everyone was covered in sand, so as we headed back to the hotel i told the kids to follow me to the pool so we could wash off some of the sand (i know, the pool people probably love me, but i'm sure i'm not the only person who does that). anyway, i jump in right away and instantly begin maneuvering my swimsuit around to wipe out trapped sand--pulling up the sides, pulling down the top--of course all under the water when all the sudden an older man surfaces from below the water with a snorkeling mask on--smiling! AHHHH!

what is it with me and swimsuit nightmares?!

natalie said...

Oh, that is really bad!! I would have DIED!! Hope your tailbone is recovering. I will keep a look out on You Tube for you. :)

Chanda said...

thanks for the funny tale...hope your tail (and Mitchell's) is ok!

Derek and Lisa Larson said...

OK, this is not my most embarrassing moment but it seems like a good post on which I can come clean. I am a blog stalker. There, I said it. I stalk your blog. I saw the link off of Nick & Paige Marshall's a while ago and thought, what's the harm in checking in with a woman who I used to work with at The Spectrum? Then I got sucked in by your creative writing style and the thought-provoking, often hilarious nature of your posts. You're an excellent writer.
So while it's not really that embarrassing I figured it was time to add my "true confession."

tharker said...

Oh, you weren't kidding on FB....that was a DOOZY! So sorry for the embarrassment, but I have to agree, you are a fantastic storyteller ;)

Derek and Lisa Larson said...

To answer your question from my blog -- Nick & Paige and my husband and I go back several years. My husband and Paige were in the same singles ward when Paige was dating Nick and Derek was dating me. Then we got married within a few months of each other and we were in the same married student ward for a while. We still hang out as often as our busy lives allow... which seems to be only every few months.